Knightly Musings

So, as the reign starts to wind its way towards the end, we, more appropriately my better half, looked into something that needed to be done for the end of our reign... only to find out the project is well under way without any guidance or supervision from us. Now the project is at a stage where it is sort of out of our hands and has to be aborted or left to take its course. It makes me mad because it was a project that we had asked if someone would be willing to do and never assumed that they would take the horse by the reigns. We have had a tight grip on those reigns and someone got hold of them while we weren't looking. Now it seems that without coming out loking like bad guys we are likely not going to have the project work out like we, especially my lovely wife, wanted.

What makes me REALLY FUCKING mad is that I don't know if I can fix it. That's the one job I do somewhat well in our relationship and now I may have to fall down on the job. I would SOOOOOOOOOOO love to hit something, unfortunately that won't do anybody any good and I would likely have to fix whatever I destroyed and probably have to bandage myself up afterwards to boot.

Yes, I know I have anger management issues, but I have that under control. Now if I could only get the project under control. For those that don't know me very well, I have control issues that I keep well hidden. Yah, you might think you know that I am a control freak but you have no idea to what degree. Came with the genes. Trust me!

I was tempted to not post this, or have it locked or some such thing but I don't see the point. The whole point of this journal is to get stuff off of my chest and if it's hidden then it's not really off of my chest. sigh-

As I age I find that I fight better with each passing year. This should be attributed to the practicing but could come with age I suppose. I wonder what the cost/analysis ratio would be like for this? How much training versus how old will produce the best possible fighter? Hmmm...

What a load of crap. I know that when I came into the SCA I was not gifted. The local practice was very screwed up and I was a bit of a social retard so it made it even worse. Me a social retard? Shocking I know.

Polite pause while those that know me wipe whatever was in their mouth off of the computer screen.

I have always been an awkward person, both physically and socially. I used to be sullen and introverted. Now I am sullen and sometimes trying to quell my violent side. Example: G and I didn't go to Estrella War last week as planned (don't ask) so I went to Skeldergate practice. Young lad asks to spar with me. He has great sword and I have sword and shield. He says "I've never fought against someone with a sword and shield yet," so I go particularly easy on him, say 50% or less. After about 12-15 passes he hits me so hard in the head I actually staggered and had to gather myself to say "good." I then told him "That was too hard, you never have to hit me that hard. In fact, if you hit me that hard again I am going to knock you the f*#@ out." We got back into our stances and I hit him in the leg. As he kneels down it suddenly dawns on me what I just said to him.

Christ, what is wrong with me? I know better than to get hit like that. Playing around about two years ago got me blasted on the back of the neck and I thought I was SERIOUSLY hurt. No I won't go into those details but it should suffice to say that I told myself then that even when going easy on someone that I still have to be careful because this is a potentially injurious hobby that I have chosen. I KNOW BETTER and I verbally took my frustration with myself out on some poor kid.

On the good side, I immediately apologized and we kept fighting and he even talked to me at the end of the night. I guess I had the horns covered up or something.

Back to my rant...

So I have had to work at getting good at fighting. I got a lot of not good for me advice in the beginning. Hey, they were trying to help me. Don't get me wrong. I really appreciate it to this day. Problem is that I ingrained a lot of bad habits. I had been a major league geek when I got to high school and and manged to re-wrap it in the guise of something athletic by the time I graduated. I found the SCA when I was 23 and got into armour for the 1st time when I was 24. I had a physical body that I had trained to be a decent inline skater, decent basketball player and a decent football player. All of those sports took every ounce of effort to get as good as I got and it was only mediocre at best. Not being a whiner, just a realist. When I got to the SCA I had to work hard to get good and as I heard a quote from a golfer "My instructor told me to expect to get worse before I get better because I need to unlearn all of the stuff I've been doing wrong."

So I busted my ass and learned how to win fights because of the fact that I had created an athletic frame from the shell that was once 5'10" tall and 113 pounds with a 32" waist. I won through athleticism, not skill. Then I had to unlearn all of that stuff so that I could get better because the body hasn't gotten that much better over the years. Thankfully, I haven't started falling apart or anything. Yah, sometimes I hurt like hell. I worry about my back and my knees. My posture has never been good. Comes from being a nerd trying to hide in his own skin right in front of you. But, I have re-learned how to fight. I know now that my body will only take me so much further and I still keep trying to get myself to work out to lengthen my fighting career. Don't read anything into that. I know I have many years ahead of me but I want to keep getting better and I need to fight back the years as they encroach upon me.

I wanted to be in the best shape of my life when I turned 40 but I am not sure that is going to happen. I turn 40 within days of this post. How does my "shape" compare to the rest of my life? Hell, I don't know. I don't focus on that type of crap. I just know that my body let me down when I went on a road trip recently and I nearly withdrew from a tourney from the amount of pain I was in. I am embarrassed to say that I was glad to be out of the tourney so I could get off of my feet. I have made it my mission to win that GODDAMNED tourney next year though. F' all of the people that think I can't do it.

If I can make my wife have enough confidence in me to marry me after she had given up on the institution forever, THEN I CAN MOVE ONE HELLUVA MOUNTAIN.

So, watch out world. I am coming for you, once sword blow at a time.

The Nige'

So... Gabe decided that she wanted stuff from the bulk food store for baking supplies and since I am frequently bewildered by the selection there it was decided that it would be best if I did not go alone. Sucks to be confused. ;-)

Gabe got changed and met me at the door of the house as I finished re-shoveling the driveway. I escorted her to the car and off we went, at a subdued, pothole avoiding pace. We could not find a parking spot near the front of the store so opted for parking int the rear. Potholes be damned, we got to parked without much jostling. Next came the traverse acorss the poorly plowed lot. Made me nervous but was uneventful.

We went about our shopping and were ther for about 20 minutes or so. We found out that this is currently Gabe's limit for being on her feet. She was exhausted but, even if I was a little scared and nervous, I was very proud of her. I never thought she'd be out of hte house less then a week since her surgery. Maybe not her wisest decision or mine but she was started to really feel cooped up and it was going to get to her before long. I worry about the winter, lack of light, depresion that people can get (can't remember the cutsie acronym for that!) mixing with Gabe's depression and evolving into something very dark.

I got Gabe back out to the car and back home post haste and she promptly changed back into comfy clothes and began vegging out on the caouch as I ran a few errands. The dog does have to eat after all and it helps when there is dog foood in the house. ;-)

So enough of an update for now. At least I am back on my own computer. I got this computer up and running about a week ago (well Paul did that for me) and it seeems that I picked up a weird pop-up that acts like MSN Securty Center has caught inbound, very nasty viruses and when you try to quarantine them it tells you that you have to log onto a website to register for "that level of service." Nice try! Completely freaked me out at least and I almost bought it. Cahnged all of my passwrods from another computer then next day too. Paul has since been back to look at anohte issue my computer had and got that nasty pop-up-like thing off of my computer. Enough of that shit!

Until next time.

So, we have been home since Saturday afternoon. Gabe's condition is a constant state of pain but that should be expected. She has her better moments. Mornings are obviously the best as she is rested and has more energy. I actually went back to work today and it made me feel queasy. Hell, I slipped on ice on our front porch leaving for work and my worst fear was Gabe doing the same if she were to go out to get the mail. Luckily that did not happen.

Work was a mess, completely unorganized again, nothing new there, so I took my lunch earlier then usual and went home to check up on Gabe before 11am. She was alseep on the couch and quite drained. I couldn't stay long but it was good to check in on her. Our close friend Kari came over shortly after I left and kept Gabe company for a couple of hours. I know Gabe appreciated it and I did as well. Back to an out of control warehouse for several hours and thankfully back home.

When I got home I accidentally woke Gabe up. Kind of hard not to when she is asleep on the couch. Little house and all. ;-) So it was an afternoon and evening of a little movie watching (Up!) and making dinner and getting breakfast ready for the next couple of days. Gabe has been able to take it easy and continue to get more rest which is exactly what she needs.

Gabe has been having some numbness in her hand and arm but from what I can gather the surgery causes swelling around the nerve cluster that was being pinched by the ruptured disc so this is natural and to be expected. I know that she is somewhat frustrated because you have to take a step back before you can move forward. They have told her that she might not get all of the feeling back in her hand but even if she doesn't she will be able to get back to a normal life. Gabe has had to give up horseback riding, SCA fighting amongst other things. I look forward the day that Gabe and I take the field together again.

Did I mention that the day before Gabe's surgery she got an email from one of the autocrats for Double Wars (in Sweden) and they are going to fly her over and pay for her trip including her food and accomodations as long as she is willing to give classes. They work into their budget a stipend to bring over people to teach classes. Gabe is their A&S choice this year. WHOO HOO! We hope to both go this year so that would mean we would go to Estrella War, Gulf Wars, War of the Lillies and Pennsic War. Hopefully Gabe will be cleared to fight by Gulf Wars.

Enough for today.

Caio

Well, another day at the hospital with Gabe has come and gone. I got to the hospital after noon today and Gabe had already been visited by all kinds of medical professiosnals and had even been up walking around. Things are moving rapidly in some ways it seems.

The doctor had been by and talked to her and talked with Gabe about some of her concerns. She has a numb spot under her chin but that is natural. She has been told that the sensation may or may not come back. I know it took over a year for Gabe to get the sensation back in the tip of her nose after her sinus surgery so I will take a wait and see approach. The numbness did spread some later in the day but the nurse said that is normal from swelling after the surgery.
The physio guy came by while I was there and he put Gabe through her paces, checking sterngth and so forth. He had her walk a loop around the spinal ward and made her walk a flight of stairs since we have stairs at home. When he watched her get back into bed, albeit slowly, he pronounced her realeased from phsio for hospital purposes at least.

Gabe was reallt sore after that so I had brought her laptop and some movies so we relaxed and watched Madagascar. (If you have any poo, now is the time to fling it!) After that there was some chatting and just enjoying each others company. Gabe regailed me with stories about the nutty woman next door. Apparently she called someone on her cell phone last night at 10:30 and talked for an hour and a half, and did I mention that she only has one voulme and it aint quiet!
The day proceeded with some nappage, book reading and some forays to the washroom.

I almost forgot to mention that Gabe got the okay for me to bring her in some coffee from Tim Horton's so that was pretty much the first thing that I had to do when I got there. ;-)
I stayed a little later than I had yesterday and Gabe was obviously terribly drained. Getting in and out of bed and lack of sleep last night have totally sapped her reserves. She was taken off of the morphine this morning and she was in serious need of meds before I left. I tracked down the nurse to get her next dose and then began packing up. I sat in silence with the lights off for a bit before I kissed Gabe goodnight and left. I had tears brimming in my eyes once again as Ileft. I just hate feeling helpless and I don't want to leave her side.
Its 'late and I need to get some rest myself so I can get to the hospital early tomorrow. Oops, I just looked at the clock. I guess I should realize that I will be going to the hospital later today. ;-)

We are not driving straight home tomorrow. We are stopping at D&D's house so Gabe can have a shower in a walk-in muti-head shower and give us a chance to break the homeward trip up a little bit.

Thanks to all that have sent their thoughts and well wishes. It means a lot to Gabe to know that people have asked after her. We'll be home in the afternoon on Saturday but I amnot sure how much, if any, talking Gabe will be up for.

sorry for the typos but I am bagged and just wanted to get this update psoted before I fell asleep. It's 1:30am as I finish this post. I always avoid sleep when Gabe is not beside me in bed

Caio

Gabe underwent discectomy and spinal fusion at her c6-7 today. In laymen's terms, she got her neck fused. We drove through the brutal weather this morning and were only a little late for the 6am check-in time. We stayed at our close friends house in the Beaches so we at least didn't have to drive all of the way in from Lindsay. As it was, we saw at least 5 and possibly up to 7 accidents on the other side of the highway. Only one accident on our side at least.

As soon as we parked the car, Gabe started crying because she was scared about going through with the surgery and having the last second nerves about whether or not we had made the right decision. Sometimes it is hard to remember how much you have changed your life to accomodate for pain and hampered movement. This was the right decision.

I was with Gabe until they wisked her away to go into surgery. I went to play the waiting game. Much fun to be had there, let me tell ya. The very helpful hospital volunteer kept me as up to date with what was going on as was possible. She gave me Gabe's projected timelines and her future room number and everything. To my surprise the doctor came out just over 30 minutes ahead of schedule and talked to me.

He informed me that the surgery went very well. The fusion was very solid and that Gabe had lost very little blood. Later I found out from Gabe's nurse that she only lost 100cc's of blood, whihc is not a lot for a surgical procedure of this nature. After speaking to the doctor I was finally able to eat something so I made a mad dash to Tim Horton's and came right back to the waiting room.

As the procedure is a neurosurgery, I had to wait for about an hour after the surgery before I was allowed into the recovery room to see Gabe. When I first arrive and leaned in over Gabe's stretcher she was very disoriented and I am not sure if she realised who I was at first. Having prepared ourselves for the worst prior to today, I did not know if Gabe would be able to talk at all since the throat gets somewhat abused during the operation, and my heart sank when I saw the look of bewilderment on her face. Luckily she gathered her wits about her quite rapidly after that and to my surprise she was able to talk to me right away, albeit with a raspy and seriously subdued voice. She told me she thought the IV was not in properly as she thought her arm was numb and she was in so much overall pain. The nurse then mentioned that Gabe needed to release her death grip on nothing that was keeping things from flowing liek they should. I was able to stay with her for about half of an hour before they asked me to return to the waiting room as they prepared her for her transfer upstairs to her room.

Shortly afterwards they collected me from the waiting room and I went with Gabe up to her room. The next part was very hard to deal with as the staff were 50/50 competent. Gabe's nurse was good but that other nurse that helped transfer Gabe from her strecther to her bed was, for lack of a better word a tard, when it came to getting that job accomplished. They asked me to step out of the room while they did the transfer and I could hear Gabe telling the 2nd nurse that her legs were caught and that she couldn't go any further. When I came back in I could tell that Gabe was in immense pain. They re-hooked up her morphine-drip and Gabe almost immediatley self-administered a dose. Gabe later told me about the 2nd nurse just shoving Gabe in the back, not like a blow or anything, to get her moved the last bit. How nice when you'ved just come out of spinal surgery.

The day got better after that. Gabe and I sat and held hands for hours. I got her some ice chips and a glass of ice water. I read some Harry Potter and we both dozed in and out of consciousness. On the down side, the woman next door has a really annoying tone to her voice, talks loud and talks non-stop for hours at a time. This kept Gabe from getting much real sleep during the day, but Gabe now knows more about this woman than she knows about some of her friends. :-(

Guests are allowed to stay until 8pm but I realised around 7pm that Gabe was making an attempt to stay awake for me so I decided I would start packing my stuff up and managed to tuck Gabe in and kiss her goodnight around 7:30. It was hard to leave her side. I had to choke back tears. I know I can be back at her side at noon on Friday but it still hurts and it is still scary.

I spoke to the nurse on my way out and was reminded that they will be getting Gabe up and moving around tomorrow in preparation for going home on Saturday. I went by the Skedergate practice and got some more DVD's for Gabe, Buffy, and lots of well wishes and reminders that she was in their prayers. I got back to D&D's house later than I had intended to since I made that side trip but I think that they understood. I sure hope they did at least and since one of them, at least, has a livejournal account, I hope they let me know if I'm being rude.

Well, off to bed to be awoken by my oddson in the morning. Gawd, is that kid every the greatest thing since sliced bread. He never fails to bring a smile to our faces.

Cheers,

Doug
AKA Nigel MacFarlane

So, Gabe asked me to start this account some time ago and I really didn't do much of anything with it. I did have someone post that their comments were hard to read on one of my earlier threads. I have attempted to make changes to my comments page but as I am a tard when it comes to this kind of stuff I have no idea if it worked. I don't remember creating any setting for this account in the first place.

I intend to start some kind of thread here to keep our friends up to date when Gabe goes under the knife in just over a week. She is having her c6-7 vertebrae fused next Thursday. She goes for her pre-op appt. this Friday and then we are off to Kentucky for Christmas Tourney hosted by the Barony where I grew up. We have a couple of friends going with us and although it will be a mad dash type of trip it should be fun and I'll be able to see my folks if only for a little bit. (nice run-on sentence) ;-)

More posts to come. I swear.

I finally did it!  I got that GD monkey off of my back.  I always worried that I couldn't close out a big tourney.  I've won some small ones and ones with restricted weapon formats but I still worried that I lacked the "killer instinct" to close out a big/high pressure tourney.

I kept training like I always do, which is like a mad man, leading up to this Crown.  I didn't do much different at all.  I have been doing the South Beach think so I had to modify my diet the last few days before Crown so that I had enough carbs in my system to have energy for sustained fighting.  Other than that, I have been trying to focus one what the Jedi Master, oops, I mean, Brannos keeps telling me, "Crown is no different than any other tournament.  You have to train for every tournament, not just one."

I never realized I had a monkey on back until Evander fell "dead" at the end of our ninth bout.  I actually thought to myself as he hit the ground, "I can actually do this, can't I?"  That realization is proof that I had a stooped monkey hiding on my back somewhere.  I am glad that his rent is up now.  :-P 

Two Dukes, Berus and Edouard, both asked me how it felt to ge the monkey off of my back.  Was it that obvious?

All things taken into consideration, I am glad for the path that I have walked and look forward to this new path that is now opening up before me.  I hope my wife is ready for this ride.  She seems to be.  :-D

WooHoo!

Nothing like driving 12 hours with a couple of freinds to go fight in the biggest and most dominant tourney that the Midrealm has to offer.  I'll never forget when they had 135 fighters from 8 different Kingdoms a few years ago. 

Last year I was one fight from making the final 8.  Should have gone thru to the final 8 but I took a blow that was probably not hard enough.  Still happy with my decision to take the blow though.  Rather be the nice guy than the Rhino any day of the week.

Going to tune-up with Brannos to get my mind on track.  I know that he and Ragnvaldr do that for each other and I am humbled that Brannos has agreed to help me tune-up at this event.  Been working hard on foot work, applying and releasing pressure and tension.  Stance feels good but gets too upright when I get tired.  Need to remember that as I get tired things go out the window and that is the time to break away and reset.  I will own everyone's left leg this weekend.  }:-)  After that, there head is mine!  bwah hahahahaha

I can't beleive I was monologuing.  You got me monologuing!

Peace,

Well,

I go to practice tomorrow night.  I hope the roads are free of ice as my drive is usually 1 hour and 15 minutes.  My close practice, that is an hour away, doesn't have the site again until January 5th. 

But...Friday I make the trek down to Wapokoneta, OH for the Midrealm Chiv Retreat.  WHOO FUCKING HOO!!!!

I look forward to this every year.  This year there are 36 RSVP's for the lil' practice.  For those not in the know this is a Chivalry only day of fighting and drinking.  It is such an AWESOME day of fighting.  Where else can you go and the worst fighter you face all day is a member of the Chivalry?!  Some guys go for the camaraderie.  Some for a "pissing match" to see where the 'rank.'  Me, I go to train mostly.  Yah, I need to see how my fighting stacks up but that is so I can see how my training has come along.

All of my Ealdormerian Brothers bailed this year.  Wussies!  Not even Kasimir is going and he lives on the Midrealm border.  I know that timing sucks this year but last year it was in January or February, can't remember, and I had to make the drive down alone.

Well, like last year, I am hooking up with a ride in Detroit so I don't have to do the whole drive myself.  Google Maps says it's almost 8 hours but it can't take into account the X factor, The Border Crossing.  It looks like the weather will hold and I can hopefully make good time.  I took Friday off again this year so that I can get on the road early just in case.

Can't wait to go fight like a mad man this weekend. 

bdeb, if you're reading this, I feel for you man.  On more than one level.  The path is tough.  I have seen friends swallowed when they were rudderless.  I hope that doesn't happen to you man.  And my thumb is still sore as HELL from a shot I took a few weeks ago.  It has gotten better but if it still hurts as much after this weekend I am going to go and have it looked at.

Nigel

Not really sure what I intend to do with this page.  I guess I need to "friend" some more people and see how this thing plays out.  Long gone are the days when I thought I would be comfy around computers.  I guess that was bound to happen when I have worked so many jobs that have little or no contact with computers.  Oh well.

Been grumpy most of the weekend so I am not going to post much for a 1st entry.

I will say this, it feels weird knowing that I have a proto-squire.  I have been a KSCA for a long enough time that it seems weird to change what I thought was the status quoe for me.  I hope I can live up to the expectations, his as well as my own.  You might be in for a rough ride Berend.  ;-)